#oneword2023: REST

I've been on a long blogging hiatus, and it probably has a lot to do with my #oneword2023, so without any pomp and circumstance, here it is:

REST

Rest. I can't quite tell you how I picked this word, but maybe it picked me. It's been an intense couple of years. And I'm seeing the effects of that! While there are hundreds of stressors in my life, one piece of the puzzle is that I'm not very good at resting.

I like to be busy.
I like to be involved.
I enjoy being around people and it energizes me.
I enjoy challenging myself and it energizes me.
BUT just because I get energy from something doesn't mean it's restful.

Rest doesn't just look like doing nothing, either. It's finding ways to fill my soul that don't involve a goal or a ton of brainpower (although I love a good puzzle!). It's trying to get to bed earlier, knowing that I'll feel better all week if I do. And it's being in the moment and snuggling with my kitties, rather than rushing to work on my to-do list.

I am hoping to deeply rest this year. To find new ways of doing so that fill me up. To slow my mind so that I can rest in a physical, emotional, and spiritual sense.

I don't feel like I have anything particularly profound to say, but maybe this year and a little more rest will bring some insights.

Rest well, friends, and happy 2023!

Leadership Is...

Leadership is...sending emails to retiring teachers to thank them for their years of service - because they deserve it!

Leadership is...recognizing when you need to practice self-care and taking a break to go on a walk with a coworker/friend.

Leadership is...not worrying about the exact time a meeting should start but giving a hug because that's what is needed most.

Leadership is...sending emails out with decisions, some popular and some unpopular, and trying to tame the anxiety that comes with knowing the responses are coming!

Leadership is...going to a workout after sending said emails out because then you can't stare at the screen, waiting (and also because you ate two cookies after sending those emails out...some coping mechanisms are healthier than others)!

Leadership is...waking up at 5am on Saturday and remembering something you were supposed to do ten days ago and doing it.

Leadership is...listening not only to the words someone is saying, but the heart behind it.

Leadership is...admitting that things are hard, but not dwelling on it.

Leadership is...learning to accept compliments and let people in to help.

Leadership is a lot of things, but above all, it is being human. We sometimes talk about the fact that teachers don't teach content, teachers teach kids. I could extrapolate that to say that admin or leaders don't lead initiatives, they lead people. And, just as importantly, they ARE people. Especially in the world today, couldn't we all use a little more human-ness in our lives?

Equity Reflections: Survey

Disclaimer: I am sharing this only to share my own story, to spread awareness and empathy - not to make any global statement about collecting data or equity or anything else!

Recently, my district sent out an anonymous survey for staff to fill out to give feedback. I've been asked by numerous teachers if it is truly anonymous, and my answer has been yes - beyond my general inclination to trust when people say that responses are confidential, it is being conducted by an outside company, and I feel reasonably confident it is truly anonymous.

When I finally sat down to do the survey, I tried my best to be honest about both the positives and the challenges I see in our district right now. I was thoughtful and wrote out my answers, before clicking "Next" to get to the next section. Finally, as I neared the end, I hit the demographics section.

As I marked "Asian" for my ethnicity, the doubts started to creep in. "I mean, how many Asian staff members are there in the district anyway? Not many. Could/Would these answers be traced back to me? Do I need to rethink what I wrote?" I actually hit the "Back" button and reread my answers, wondering if there was anything in them that would trace back to me, especially if they were just being looked at in a group of staff members who marked "Asian." In the end, I decided not to change any of them - I believe in honest feedback and I am choosing to believe in the integrity of those who will read and interpret these results, that it will be presented in a way that does not single out certain groups with small numbers.

Still, the experience has stuck with me. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has ever had these thoughts, and it's something I don't think I would have considered as an equity issue. I fully support using demographic data to better understand results, and I don't have all of the answers - I'm not sure if there is a better way to do it. I'm simply realizing that it was a bit of additional mental load for me to work through, and these little moments add up. As we design opportunities and systems to further our equity work, I hope that we can keep the lived experiences of POC in mind!

Roller Coaster

What a week this has been! Figuring out how to support a community through a wildfire that took out 1000+ homes in the community is intense. There is so much to do (tasks) and so much to hold (emotionally). It's been a bit of a roller coaster, and as I often write to process, this blog reflects that.

Thinking about 1,084 homes destroyed and 149 homes damaged (along with several commercial properties) is staggering in and of itself. Add in the thousands of homeowners who are dealing with smoke damage and limited utilities (although I think most are back now), who were displaced for several days. And then you go to the ~35,000 residents who were evacuated, many who left through thick smoke, seeing flames in the vicinity of their houses. The collective trauma is huge. Even those who were not directly impacted by the fire are feeling it.

Oh yeah, and it was less than a year ago that we had a shooting at a local grocery store, just down the road from several schools, where ten people lost their lives. Another incidence of collective trauma.

And there's this little thing called COVID-19...and all that comes with it.

It's all too much. I'm seeing big, red, flashing warning lights. We don't have much left to give. Call it compassion fatigue, call it a mental health crisis...but teachers/educators are BURNED OUT. I've talked to more people considering taking a leave of absence for their own mental health in the past week than I have in the past five years. I'm seeing people desperately to figure out their sick days because, three days after the semester started, they need a day...or two...or three...to breathe. It's not unusual to hear that someone isn't sure they can make it through the day. We hired 6 new teachers in my areas at semester because people resigned or retired midyear, and probably have 2 more in the next week or two. We're at the end of what we can handle, and it's showing.

And yet, while I deal with that existential crisis in my mind, I also see incredible moments of joy. Kids being kids, even after everything they have is gone. Kids loving each other, caring for each other, helping each other in the most precious of ways. A community that is surrounding us, being so generous, giving more than I ever imagined possible. Miracles happening all over. For me, it was some sweet friends who brought me food this week to make sure I am taking care of myself as I spend time taking care of others.

How do you reconcile these highs and lows? I don't exactly know, but here are two things I am focusing on this week:

1) Basic self-care. Making sure I eat at reasonable hours (which didn't always happen last week). Getting outside for some fresh air. Moving my body and exercising. Going to bed at a good time. Making sure I have at least a waking hour or two per day that is not focused on work or fire stuff.

2) Self-compassion. As I walked into a school to sub on Friday, I was thinking, "I don't know what I have to give, but I'm here with whatever I have for these kids today." I'm not at my best...and that's okay. I can be gentle with myself and know that doing something is better than doing nothing, and that is enough.

To those in our community: We're in this together.

To those at a distance: Please pray for us. And show some love to a teacher or educator in your life - this has been a tough year, regardless of fires or shootings or anything else!

#oneword2022 & 🔥 Fires 🔥 in My Community

Last year, my #oneword was ATTENTIVE. I went into the year aspiring to be attentive to myself and the world around me, and to be present. And was I? In some ways, yes. Compared to a couple of years ago, I see huge differences in the way I make time to process and validate my own thoughts and feelings, and I definitely have continued to engage in societal issues and find my voice. But would I say this word defined my year? Not really - I think it got buried through everything going on!

As I thought about 2022, I wondered if I should even choose a word this year. To be honest, I'm ending 2021 on a bit of a low. It's been a hard year on so many levels, and just before the new year, fires ripped through my community, destroying nearly 1000 homes and damaging over 100 more. These are friends, teachers, students, administrators in my district - and the thought of how to move forward is daunting. It felt like we (collectively) were already trying to pour from an empty cup by the end of the semester; how are we going to add even more trauma and need?

Yet I am still drawn back here to my blog, and the word that pops out is one I had several years ago: LEAD. The first time I chose the word LEAD, it was almost prophetic. I was heading into my first time being in major leadership roles, from being a principal of summer school to moving to the district office from being a classroom teacher. I learned so much as a new leader that year.

This time, I'm coming at it with a little more experience and a lot of thoughts about different styles or characteristics of leadership I have seen through the past several years. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my own leadership, both the leader I am and the leader I want to be. I don't have a nice sketchnote, and my thoughts are pretty consumed by the events of the past couple of days, but here are some of my current reflections on leadership.

I want to be an authentic, honest, and vulnerable leader.
I think that there is an unwritten chapter in leadership school that says that when you step into a leadership role, you have to have it together all of the time and not show weakness. That's simply not true! I find that it's a rare thing to have a leader who is truly authentic, but it's a huge blessing when it happens, and leads to deeper connection and community. I sent an email to my teacher leaders yesterday addressing the fires, and I won't lie, it was hard to write. I know that some of the people I was writing to just lost their homes. I wanted to strike the balance between looking forward with hope and acknowledging the devastation...and that, in many ways, I didn't know what to do or say. After hitting send, it was nice to get some texts and emails back, all checking in on each other, and then to see these teacher leaders send emails to their respective groups with a similar sentiment. When we are real, we are all a little more human.

I want to be a people-first, caring leader.
There is so much to do - all of the time! And I have ideas or programs or tasks or projects that I work on that I think are pretty great ;-). But, ultimately, my leadership needs to be about people first. I think of one of my leaders who always seems to find a moment to check in on me as a person, especially when I need it the most. With these fires, I've been trying to reach out and email and text teachers and some community partners who I know, just to ask how they are doing. Truth be told, it feels awkward at times. I don't know them particularly well, and sometimes it feels like I am going past the bounds of a professional relationship, but I have made a commitment to myself to err on the side of caring for people. And you know what? It has been appreciated. People need people - and that is true whether both at work and in our personal lives, and even more when disaster hits the community.

I want to be an advocate as a leader.
One of the most important things I can do, I am learning, is advocate for my people. That doesn't always mean I have to agree with them or support less-than-stellar work. But I can help set them up for success by thinking proactively about their needs and being aware of those who are looking for a different situation or who would do better in a different environment. I can advise them about what I know (and am allowed to share, whether good or bad) as they make career decisions or even just try to figure out how to problem-solve a specific issue. And I can share their great work with the world and quietly steer them in the right direction when needed. Advocacy is turning into one of my favorite parts of the job - the ability to help others create successful situations is wonderful, and benefits us all!

How closely will I pay attention to my #oneword2022? I'm not sure. I'm trying to go easy on myself right now and take things as they come. But I am confident that leadership will continue to be a part of my journey, and I look forward to seeing how that plays out over the year!

Finally, please keep our community in your prayers - with 1000 families who have lost their homes, I can't imagine how that will play out in the classroom ❤️.

The Time I Asked for What I Needed

Hi everyone! It's been pretty quiet on the blog front lately, because:
1) This year is crazy...I can barely keep up!
2) Work this year has been hard, and I'm not sure how to capture it in words.

There are so many reasons that working in education is hard right now - staffing shortages, polarized viewpoints, a wider range of student skills than in previous years, HUGE SEL needs, pandemic fatigue, and I could go on and on. Some of my "hard" is definitely all of this - the whole system is under a huge strain, and it's hitting me too. But, beyond that, I've been struggling with my job - more specifically figuring out what my job really is and how it fits into the system.

Brene Brown says that, "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." My job, currently, is a little bit of everything, and it's not well-defined. The problem is that when you don't have a clear job description, your job becomes everything...and THAT gets overwhelming really fast! For the most part, I like the things I'm doing - it's not that I am unhappy with the work itself. The issue is that it's adding up to be so much and I don't have any good way to prioritize or say no to things because I don't really know what my job is supposed to be, and the more that gets added to my plate, the more things are falling through the cracks. Furthermore, specials and electives are rarely focused on in any strategic plan or data meeting...so it's been hard to see how I (and, consequently, all of the teachers and content areas that I work with) fit into any of it.

Fast forward to this last week. As much as I like to try to be independent and figure things out, I knew I was hitting a breaking point. Even though the holiday breaks would help me, something needed to change. So I took a deep breath and sent an email and asked for time to meet to figure this out. I'm not always good at asking for help, and it definitely took some courage to reach out...but once I did, it was easier to be honest about other (small) things that would help me in the conversations that followed. That whole "clear is kind" thing goes both ways - if there is something that I am looking for, hinting at it is not as effective as just saying it. I'm working on it!

So I'm heading into this next week with some intentional time on my calendar to try to figure out how to manage my workload, hoping that some of the tweaks I asked for will actually take place, and a continuing my mission to figure out how to bring more value to specials and electives in my district. I know it won't be quick and easy and there will be bumps in the road, but I finally feel like I've shared what I needed to and done my part in asking for what I need (yes, it took far longer than it should have). It feels selfish, but it's also a relief! I keep reminding myself that helping me be in a better place as a leader will undoubtedly trickle down to the teachers and students I work with.

My final encouragement is to not be afraid to ask for what YOU need. Reach out. Have courage. Don't just drop hints, be clear. It may be hard, but you are worth it. And it will have ripple effects on the people around you too!

Hang in there, my friends - we can do this!

All Teachers Deserve Support

I've taken a long blog hiatus here - between moving (not far, but still) and starting a new school year, my time and energy have been consumed! But I am back, and I want to share something that has been on my mind lately.

All teachers deserve support.

Seems pretty simple, doesn't it? Our district strategic plan motto is "All together for all students." There's a lot of all in there, and I wish we could extend it to teachers. But the problem is, both locally and nationally, teachers' level of support varies greatly. There are a lot of different reasons for this, but I want to focus on one that has popped up in my world a lot: teachers get different support based on what subject they teach.

It's no secret that I spend a lot of time advocating for "specials" or "electives" - art, music, PE, theatre, and dance. You could even add other electives such as world languages and CTE courses in there! I believe that these classes are incredibly important to develop well-rounded human beings, and beyond that, they often are engagement hooks and the reason students are in school. After graduation, many students will follow these paths as hobbies or things they do in their free time - their education in these classes really influences their lives, and should be valued!

Yet we don't see a lot of that when it comes to teacher support.

• How many times has a whole staff been required to sit through a professional development meeting on LA or math? What about art or PE? (I can't count the number of times I was trained on a system or told I have to use it, only to find out it offered nothing for my subject area.)
• How many districts invest heavily in materials for science classes? What about for music class? Are instruments provided or only for the "elite" who can afford to get them? (True story: I applied for a job and was told that a prerequisite for registering for an instrumental music class was that the student could afford to rent or purchase an instrument because the school couldn't financially support that for students. I declined the job offer.)
• Have you ever seen a message, especially during the pandemic, that sounded like, "We are providing xxx support/lesson plans/curriculum resources for all teachers!" only to find out that "all" meant LA/math/science/SS only. (Yes. All the time.)

As a person who advocates for these often-forgotten areas at the district level, it's exhausting. I don't know how anyone does it for long without getting burned out. How can we change the status quo?

• What if we offered more flexible, customized professional development? Not only would it help specials and electives teachers, but I think all teachers could benefit from this! Some need exactly the training we have been offering. But some need something totally different.
• What if we gave teachers the tools they needed to do their job and let them focus on the instruction? I know, this is a pie in the sky ideal because budgets are involved, and money is tight. But I wish that my teachers could focus on how to best instruct the kids in their class rather than spending hours looking for or putting together their own materials because my district can't afford (or is not prioritizing) money to purchase materials for them. Somehow, it just never seems to be a priority for these subject areas.
• What if, when we say all, we truly meant all? This is just my plea to be careful in your communications. I don't believe we always need the same things, and sometimes it makes sense not to do the same thing for everyone - but please don't say all unless you truly mean all.

I feel like I spend every day as an advocate, and it's exhausting. As I recently told my coworkers, I can't do it alone. I need others to jump on board. I feel an incredible weight of responsibility as the one person on the instructional team with this type of background, and I feel like I carry so many voices of amazing teachers who just want to feel supported. I hope we can all come together to make it happen.

*I realize that this is just one of many issues - we could talk about so many other categories of people who experience similar disenfranchisement for other reasons, some even more serious. I by no means want to ignore that, but this is what is on my mind right here, right now, so it's what I'm writing about!

The Joy of Being Back with Kids!

As we look toward next year, I am continuing in my district role, and I'm grateful for that. I enjoy my job (mostly), and I like being able to affect change on the system. But my heart will always be the heart of a teacher. One of my colleagues recently told me, "You still are a teacher, you just teach teachers." It's true, but there's nothing quite like being with kids all day, and I miss it!

That's why, when the opportunity came up for me to run a week-long music camp for some friends' kids this summer, I jumped at the chance! The majority of my time in the classroom was with 5th-8th graders, but this was with 3-8 year olds. Still, it was a golden opportunity for me to feed my teaching heart and have some musical fun with these kids, so I jumped at it!

We had a great time. From music games to musical books to drawing how music makes us feel to exploring different instruments to making our own instruments, the week was a blast! I forgot how much planning it takes to really create good lessons - especially with younger kids - but it was worth it.

As much as anything, this brought me confidence (I can still hop in front of kids and teach music!), but it also back to the day-to-day grind of teaching. Planning, lugging materials around, management...it was a good reminder of everything our teachers do every day. I'm grateful for these opportunities to keep myself grounded, and I fully believe it gives me more understanding and makes me a better leader.

I had fun teaching. They had fun learning. We all enjoyed the music. What more can you ask for?

Our crew on "Make Your Own Instrument" Day!

Educational leaders: I challenge you to take opportunities to get in front of kids and TEACH! It is more than worth it for everyone involved!

Lessons in Leadership: 2020-2021 Wrap-Up

I've been struggling to write this blog post for a couple of weeks now, because, really, what can you say to wrap up this school year? It's been an adventure, to be sure. As we get a bit further out from the actual last day of school, I find myself thinking about how we are moving forward -- specifically, how to balance all of the different needs coming out of this year.

Let's start with students. They certainly had an unplanned curriculum this year involving how to use technology in new ways, how to be more independent, and how to be flexible. These are all great skills for our students to learn! Yet at the same time, we know that many of them didn't make as much "traditional" academic progress this year as we would expect in a more normal environment. The gap has widened - the students who did well often continued to do well while those who struggled, for whatever reason, struggled even more in a distance learning environment. Next year will be full of different needs for our students.

Now let's talk about teachers. The summer always brings a much-needed break to rest and recharge, and teachers need to recharge more than ever after this year! The adults in our system are tired. Drained. Exhausted. Burned out. This is why we really struggled to find people to teach summer school. The adage, "You can't pour from an empty cup" is true, and we, as a system, are dangerously close to empty right now.

Balancing these two is where the challenge lies. My district is engaging in a lot of work this summer to prepare for next year, and to be honest, I have mixed feelings about it. I see the need, and I see how it will be a support for teachers. It's worthwhile work! At the same time, it's hard to push down the gas pedal and accelerate our plans in a time when people are so tired. We know the students need it, and as educators, we are trained to put students first! Yet the law of diminishing returns will definitely kick in at some point - when will we start to lose our effectiveness due to exhaustion? I'm personally struggling with this balance, and I know it's something every district is probably dealing with right now! There's no one perfect answer, but I think it's important to hold both student needs and teacher needs in tension as we approach the summer.

One thing I do know for sure is that we are all committed to doing the best we can to serve our students, whatever that looks like. I hope that you all get the chance to relax, play, read a book for fun, lay out in the sun, be creative, spend time with loved ones, and indulge in something exciting this summer! I'm trying to do the same in between the work to set our students up for success next school year too!

Lessons in Leadership: Then and Now

Two years ago, I had my first foray into my current position of leading the arts in my district. I enjoyed it, but it was definitely challenging to make the switch from being a peer to being in charge, with so many of my friends being music teachers! Due to some district restructuring and personnel changes, I took on a somewhat different role last year, but I am (happily) back in a similar position this year. The silver lining is that it has really allowed me to see my own growth as a leader over the past couple of years!

Then, I really approached things as a teacher. I will never forget my supervisor asking me, "How do you think a principal would describe this situation?" It turned on a lightbulb for me!
Now, I find myself thinking more as an administrator. In some ways, this is a good thing, but in other ways, I never want to get too far from a teacher point of view, so I try to talk to several current teachers to stay grounded in everyday classroom life.

Then, I really feared and shied away from conflict. It's hard to stand up and say no to people who are your friends, who were recently your peers! I was so uncomfortable with this role.
Now, I still don't like conflict very much, but I'm more willing to step into it. I feel more strongly grounded in what I believe is best for our students, and I can articulate it when needed.

Then, I was learning so much, and asked so many questions! I remember needing a lot of help to walk through HR processes, budgets, etc. It was a steep learning curve, and I had to learn how all of these things worked before I could really figure out how to approach them.
Now, I am still learning a lot, but it is getting easier! After taking a year "off" from doing this, I'm re-learning a lot, but it is coming back more quickly and I have a much better sense of the big picture. I've been pleasantly surprised at not only how much I remember, but how much I am able to put other pieces into place after seeing different parts of the organization!

Then, I was new. Almost every big decision I made was in conjunction with someone, because I didn't feel very confident and needed other people's perspective to help me develop my own.
Now, I'm still pretty new. I still look for other perspectives, but I don't feel like I am completely missing something, and that in turn gives me more confidence in my decisions. One of the biggest differences I have noticed is in how people treat me - I feel like there is so much more trust! I have asked in a couple of different instances if people want to double-check my work before I finalize it, and the answer is, "No, if you feel good about it, that's fine." This is both affirming and a little scary :-).

Then, I accepted what I was told. If a supervisor or peer said that something should be a certain way, I took it for granted, whether I agreed or not.
Now, I have learned that I can push back a little if it's something I feel strongly about. I definitely have to choose my battles, but I am not so quick to accept "no" for an answer.

It's amazing to me to look back and see my own growth over only two years. I still have a long way to go, but I hope and pray that I will continue to develop into a leader worth following, no matter where my career takes me!

How have you grown in the past couple of years?

What do you think are the most important qualities in a leader?

Light and Darkness

Have you heard about what happened this week in Boulder, CO? Yep, that's my community. Although I don't live right in the neighborhood anymore, I've been to that King Soopers hundreds of times, often as an outing with kids with disabilities, and I can picture the entire store very clearly in my mind's eye. It hits differently when it is in your community.

My district is on spring break this week, and I'm very thankful. Apart from the need for every bit of relaxation we can get this year, it also means that our schools (some mere blocks away from the store) were not in session while this was happening. And we, as adults, have a little bit of time to breathe and process and take care of our own emotions before we welcome students back to their normal routines. Not to say it'll all be tied up in a bow by Monday, but it won't be quite as raw.

As I've been working through my own thoughts and feelings, I'm struck by the fact that we are approaching Easter Sunday, the biggest juxtaposition of light and darkness in history. Darkness when Jesus was betrayed by a friend and killed. Light when He rose again and conquered death. Whether you share my beliefs or not, I think this same mix of light and darkness can be seen through recent events in our community. The darkness is obvious: a person entering a grocery store and killing ten people. I think about the circles of those ten people, their families and friends and neighbors, and know that their lives are forever altered. I know several teachers in my district who taught one of the victims, and they are struggling right now. I also think about the family and friends and neighbors and teachers of the suspect...their lives are altered too, as they have to reconcile what happened with what they (thought they) knew about him. I think about everyone who was in that store or parking lot or lived across the streets and saw it happen (I know people in this situation as well). That trauma doesn't go away easily. And I think about the wider community, those who regularly frequent this King Soopers and are likely plagued with the thought, "It could have been me." The impact is great.

But I have to believe that the light is even greater. Stories of people helping others in the moment, both those who died and those who lived. A community coming together to honor the victims and support each other and heal. After a year of loneliness and isolation for many, perhaps this was a nudge to reach back out to others. A reminder that we are never alone. 

I don't know why this happened, and the pain and trauma will continue. But I want to hold that in balance with the hope that will outlast everything. Light and darkness can coexist, but light will win in the end. I hope that we all can do our part to spread a little more of that light to the rest of the world, whether that means texting a friend you haven't talked to in awhile, holding a door for someone, or unexpectedly doing something nice (my mind is on shoveling from our recent storms) for someone else. And I hope that our kids will also feel empowered to spread that light, because we can all do something for others, no matter how old they are.

Be the light!

(And please pray for my community)

Nightmares

As a teacher, it wasn't unusual for me to start dreaming about my classroom in August as we returned from summer break, or right before a concert. Every now and then, a nightmare would pop up where I had lost children or where everything broke or some other absurd variation on what could go wrong. It's a common experience among teachers!

Although my position has changed, these nightmares still have a way of sneaking up on you. I can tell I've been more stressed about things lately, because I had my first "FTE nightmare" this week! And in keeping with my attentive #oneword2021, I wanted to spend some time reflecting on where this stress is coming from. Here are some of the things keeping me up at night...

• I'm worried about the future of all electives. Will we double down on math & literacy in an effort to "catch students up" and do so at the expense of the classes that round out their education?
• In particular, I'm worried about the future of music education. Singing events have led to the spread of the virus (although there are many factors to these events), and I fear that, in the court of public opinion, the risk just won't be worth it. Will students not sign up, or will schools not offer these classes?
• Then we come to the numbers game. In the electives world, your job is often determined by how many students sign up for your classes. Our enrollment is down across the board. Many students did not get the classes they signed up for this year due to schedule changes to make cohorts happen (they were just shoved into whatever elective class fit into their schedule). What impact will that have on next year?
• Speaking of that, budgets. What will the federal and state funding for public education look like? My state is known for the B.S. Factor (yes, that's what it's called, the Budget Stabilization Factor, or B.S. factor for short) which creates a deficit in funding public education in order to balance the budget. Less money from the state = hard decisions about what that means in schools.
• Which led to my nightmare. Of having to tell teachers that they are being let go or reassigned. And because our contract (similar to most) works on the basis of seniority, I dreamed about having to let go of some of our awesome teachers, who have created resources and shared and collaborated and worked like crazy to bring amazing content to our kids this year, because they happen to be lowest on the totem pole.
• I worry about the teachers I have the privilege to serve and lead. People are exhausted. Hanging on by a thread. Burned out. The spark, the joy of teaching is often muffled these days because teaching at boxes with profile pictures just isn't the same. And the asks are mounting. Vaccine distribution seems to be bringing hope, but we are continuing to exist in this heightened state of fear and alertness, and our bodies can only take so much of that. And then you add in concerns about job security. Will we make it?
• Ultimately, it comes back to our kids. I worry about their isolation, and also about the pressure they feel. These classes are connectors, they are places for kids who doesn't always do so well in academia to shine. They are often the highlight of a student's day. And with more information coming out about the impact of the pandemic on the mental health of children and teens, with every new story about a suicide or overdose, I think about how important it is that we don't just push our kids back into an environment of focusing solely on academics. There are other, perhaps greater, needs that we must attend to as well.

Usually, I try to be pretty positive on this blog, and I don't mean to say that it is all gloom and doom. I have seen amazing things happen this year, and I know that some good has come out of all of this! But I can't deny that these concerns are a constant rumble of low-level stress, and as planning for next year begins, they are starting to bubble up more.

As I reflect personally, I think that my goal is to hold all of this in balance. It is important for me to have these thoughts and acknowledge them, because they lead to advocating for what I believe is right and making wise decisions for the things under my control. But I can't let the fears overtake my life or drown out the joy of a profession where we truly get to impact lives. My hope for all of you is that, whatever your nightmares and dreams are, you will be able to balance it and still find the joy!

The Phone Call

This week, I received a call from a four-year-old, asking me to come to her house to give her a pencil and paper for her homework, since she didn't have any.

This week, I received a call from a four-year-old, asking me to come to her house to give her a pencil and paper for her homework, since she didn't have any.

Crazy? Yes, a little bit. It definitely caught me off-guard. This call came from the daughter of one of my refugee friends while here mom was at work (don't worry, grandma was there watching the kids). Pre-COVID, I would take these kids to the library every week for a little homework help/reading/enrichment. It's been 10 months since that happened, which feels like nearly forever! I've definitely kept in touch with the families, but since this particular family lives 45 minutes away, I have only seen them once since the pandemic started. This brief phone call made me think about several things:

• This is the reality of some of our kids. They don't have pencils or paper at home unless we give it to them, and even then, sometimes it runs out or gets lost. I know this...but it hits my heart differently coming from a friend's daughter. We can't forget about these kids.
• Internet safety needs to start young! I'm glad that I am a safe person, but I didn't love the idea of this preschooler initiating video chats on her mom's phone while mom was at work. I added this to my list of things to chat about when her mom wasn't working.
• Kids are resourceful. As much as I was wary about her using the phone, I was also impressed that she found a way to advocate for herself and express her needs.
• What we do matters. I don't know how this little girl remembered me and figured that she could call to ask for help, and while it could have been random luck, I truly believe that she associated me with going to the library for school stuff (for months, she even thought my name was "Library") and knew that she could call for help. Don't doubt that those little moments really do make a difference!

And finally...can't we end this pandemic and get kids back in school again? I know that day will come, but I can't help but feel impatient when I think about the learning environment of this kiddo compared to what I see in preschool classrooms around the district. Here's to hoping that day comes soon!

#oneword2020 Reflection & #oneword2021

It's that time of year again where I reflect on my #oneword for the previous year and look ahead to a new year with a fresh word!

#oneword2020: VALUE

Last year, the #oneword I chose was value. I wanted to find value in my work, value the contributions of others, and live out of my values. Some years, the word I choose seems to be serendipitous, and show up in my life over and over again, and other years, I don't think much about it beyond January. 2020 was pretty much the latter. Along came a pandemic in March, and I didn't find or make the time to reflect and focus on what I had intended for the year.

That being said, I do think that I saw the word value play out in many different ways. The pandemic had a fantastic way of bring out what we really value in life and highlight what is important. I did find more value in my work as the year went on, and I was able to see more how I was/am contributing to my district. I won't say that I always did a great job of valuing the contributions of others, but I learned some good lessons in that regard and am continuing to work on recognizing how different ways of doing things can actually make us stronger. And, through the ups and downs, I continued to cling to my faith and the values that make me who I am. Maybe this word did work out in the end, after all!

#oneword2020: ATTENTIVE

This brings me to my #oneword2021: attentive.

I feel a little selfish writing this, but first and foremost, I aspire to be attentive to my own feelings and needs. One of my best coping mechanisms when I am feeling down is keeping busy. Obviously, that has been much harder as of late, and the blessing in disguise is that it has forced me to pay better attention to how I am feeling in the moment. Even as the world (presumably) picks back up again, I want to continue to be attentive to my own heart and needs as a form of self-care!

Beyond being attentive inwardly, I want to be attentive to what is going on around me as well. Is it just me, or is it really hard to engage and pay attention when everything is on a screen? I've seen it with students, and I've also seen it in myself! It takes so much self-discipline to be attentive in the moment, especially when you are sitting on the couch at home. I aspire to be present, give my attention to whatever is at hand, and not always feel the pressure to multitask a hundred different ways.

Finally, I want to be attentive to the world around me. There is a lot going on in society, and while no one can be an expert on everything, I want to make sure I am continuing to learn and grow. We are all here on this earth and in our specific circles of influence for a reason, and I want to find the right moments to use my voice to help others.

Attentive. I considered several other words that were similar, but I settled on this one because it really starts with me and what I am thinking about on the inside. If I can be attentive to my internal needs and the external world around me, I think that it will set me up for a pretty good 2021! 

One #EquityWin at a Time

Equity is both a buzzword and very needed in education (and society) today. I wish we could snap our fingers and fix things! But years and years of systems and personal biases cannot be done in a day, week, or even a year. Rather, it is deep work that starts with awareness and often comes one step, one #EquityWin at a time. Sometimes there are wins and sometimes there aren't, but we have to keep pressing! Below are a couple of snapshots from my past two weeks at work.

Snapshot #1

Last week, I was so frustrated when it felt like some people in my district were designing systems that put up barriers that would prevent the families who need us the most from accessing certain supports. The most discouraging thing was the lack of understanding from the people I was talking with. I know it wasn't an intentional desire to make things hard for these families, it was a lack of understanding about the reality that they faced and how challenging it is. I don't pretend to fully understand it either, but I did want to share my concerns.

Sometimes I think that these concerns are taken much more seriously when they come from our equity team, or our team that focuses on culturally & linguistically diverse learners. But why? We all need to own this work! In the end, some (not all) of the barriers were removed.

#EquityWin? Maybe.

Snapshot #2

I received an email from a teacher who was thinking about using a certain song in their class, and a student had put in the chat, "That song is racist." After some research, they concluded that there was no major racist history to the song (although there have been some questionable uses of it in the past), but it was clear that a student did not feel good about it. This teacher was looking for advice about how to handle it and if they should still use this song.

This gets so complicated so quickly in the world of music history! We engaged in some great email dialogue, with several people chiming in, and ultimately the teacher decided to move away from this song out of a desire to be sensitive to the student. What I loved was that the teacher was able to make their own decision after weighing all of the perspectives, and ended the email saying that they felt so supported. This is the deep, internal work of equity -- not just being told what is or isn't appropriate, but learning, growing, and expanding perspectives to be more responsive to all of our students.

#EquityWin? Absolutely!

What now?

We don't always have these wins, and in fact, I had a situation later in the week that was the exact opposite (I will not share it here out of respect for those involved). I feel like this is the way it goes...two steps forward, one step back. When policies and systems are changed for the better, we should all celebrate! Yet equally as important are those subtle, personal, internal changes that happen every day. Today, I'm choosing to celebrate these "small" #EquityWins and to continue looking for more of these every day. Added together, they will change the world!

Self-Care, Amazing Teachers, & the Roller Coaster of 2020

My mind is scattered today, which is no surprise. It seems to be a way of life lately! I found myself wanting to blog, but having a lot of half-formed ideas, so I figured I would just start writing and see what came out.

Self-Care

I think it's important to start with a bit of self-reflection. The past couple of weeks have been hard, as cases continue to rise and restrictions tighten in my area. I don't think I realized until now how much I don't want to go back to that isolation again. I know that it is important for us to protect each other, and I will do my part, but the tightened restrictions has made me feel more anxious (and I'm sure the election didn't help). Along with that, my workload has increased really significantly over the past several weeks (more on that below), leaving me feeling more and more overwhelmed.

Reaching out for help isn't always easy, but I decided I needed to do two concrete things to try to help myself. The first was expressing to my leaders how overwhelmed I was feeling with work. Even if nothing can be done about it, I still think it was important for me to share my thoughts rather than continuing on and pretending that all was fine. The second thing I decided to do was text a friend to ask if she had an idea of someone I could talk to for some mentoring about some specific situations I am facing at work. She responded with a suggestion, and I had a phone conversation with this person this week. It was so helpful to hear my own words and thoughts reflected back to me in different words, to have someone asking reflective questions, and to help me think through some concrete next steps. All of this has to do with my #oneword2020, value, in valuing myself enough to prioritize finding ways to help myself in a time when it feels like there are so many competing priorities!

Amazing Teachers

I don't even know where to start on this one...I have had the pleasure of subbing in several classrooms while teachers are out on quarantine, and I am constantly amazed by my colleagues. Sometimes when I am watching them teach virtually or experiencing their classroom routines, I feel like I am getting a masterclass in good instruction! All of this fills my teaching heart up, and it challenges me to be a better teacher every day.

I also am leading a task force which started this week, where we are trying to figure out how to solve some complex scheduling situations for next semester (traveling teachers + COVID guidelines + changed school schedules = chaos). I was so encouraged by the collaboration and creative thinking of our teachers and administrators on this committee. The focus on the common good and what is best for the kids is amazing! I was so nervous for this committee, but after our first meeting, I feel full of hope!

Roller Coaster

Although I am focusing on the positives here, I would be lying if I said that life didn't feel like a roller coaster at times. I have so many competing emotions: I love subbing in schools, but I get overwhelmed by the work that builds up when I am in schools all day; I get nervous about these complex issues to solve, but am encouraged by the collaboration and work of our educators; I want to keep everyone safe, but don't want to go back to a "Stay at Home" state. I think that we will continue to live through this, and I just keep reminding myself to give extra grace -- to others and myself -- during this time. Most of us are probably not at our best right now. The more we can move toward each other with compassion and grace, the better off we will be. I'm trying to remember that every day!

And thus concludes a snippet into my life and mind in this year of 2020!

Look Around

 Look around, friends. This pandemic keeps going. Along with it is the stress, the anxiety, the uncertainty, and the isolation. And now we're heading into the winter.

I know that I, myself, have appreciated the opportunities to be outside more and socialize while the weather is nice. It has gone a long way toward helping me feel less isolated.

Some schools are back, some aren't, and many are in a hybrid form of teaching and learning. It's hard. Even when we have amazing teachers and leaders and everyone is going above and beyond and being extremely creative to make the best of it, it's hard.

Look around at your kids. Look around at your coworkers. How are they doing? How are YOU doing?

The mental health statistics scare me. The suicide rates (attempted and successful) are up. Abuse rates are up. As we talk about a virus that can kill, I hope we also remember these other things too and that we are equally as attentive to them. They are sneaky, often silent, but have very real consequences.

I hope and pray that, as we enter another phase, we keep in mind the human needs above all else. Love. Connection. The need to be seen for who we really are. The need to be honest about the good and the bad in life. The need to know that you matter.

Look around. Be that person today who brings light to another!

*I hope nobody reads this and thinks that I am not taking the virus seriously...that is not my intention at all. I just see this other, more silent epidemic of mental health concerns going on, and I want to take a moment to shed light on that. These two things are not mutually exclusive!

Teaching 1st Grade!

 On Friday, I got to teach a sweet group of 1st graders as they finished their first week of in-person school! Their teacher wasn't able to be there, so I got called in from the district office to sub. I was a little nervous, knowing that the majority of my experience is with older students and not during a pandemic, but it was a blast!

Here are a couple of things I learned:

• The kids did great with wearing masks for most of the day!
• As different as some things felt, so many more things felt normal and familiar. Seeing little people think, learn, and socialize was so refreshing!
• Routines come quickly. This was only Day #4 of being in person for these kids, and they knew their spots, how to keep their distance, how to be careful not to get to close when lining up, etc. It's clear that their teacher really made the classroom a safe and organized space for them, and they are responding!
• Even beneath the masks, there were lots of smiles and giggles. School did not feel like a sterile and scary place.
• The school had it arranged really well for students to stay in their cohorts. We didn't cross paths with any other groups all day, which is important for contact tracing. Things ran like clockwork!

I know that there are many different feelings about returning to in-person school, and I can't judge -- we all have different life experiences and personalities that inform our thoughts and feelings. For me, though, it was a relief to see many of the safety measures truly worked as intended, and school still felt like school. I hope that we all continue to stay healthy and safe, and that we can continue to give students access to in-person learning in environments as safe as we can make them, for both academic and social-emotional reasons.

I'm also glad I got to experience it first-hand. I understand this was only one day, but sometimes I fear being a "district person" locked in an office, making decisions, and not knowing what it is really like. This one day of being back in the trenches gave me a renewed appreciation for exactly how often primary teachers have to tie shoes, help kids with a splinter, or take care of a loose tooth that just came out. And it helped me understand the joys and challenges we are all facing in our return to in-person instruction. I hope I continue to get opportunities to "walk the walk" as we experience this new way of doing school together.

I can't post this blog without saying, I am so grateful to the school where I got to sub and to the teacher who left amazing plans and who has clearly trained these kids well. It was obvious from the moment that I walked in the room that it was a place full of love and care and learning. I just got to experience it for a day :-).

And that, my friends, is my first pandemic teaching experience!

Weekend Self-Care

I'm taking a break from my usual professional posts to share a little something I did this weekend. About two weeks ago, I was finding myself feeling super overwhelmed by school/work. It's just always there, always weighing on me, and working from home, it's literally staring me in the face. I thought that I needed to get away; I needed to find something else to focus on.

I texted a friend and asked if she wanted to go hiking that weekend. We did, and it was great! It was so refreshing and exactly what I needed. But it was a one-time event. So, the next day, when another friend asked me if I wanted to hike a 14er (mountain over 14,000 ft elevation), of course I said yes!

Yesterday was the day! I spent all week preparing by making sure I wasn't staying up too late and gathering the things I would need for the hike (the outdoor education heart in me still beats strong...I can't go for a big hike without being prepared). I woke up at about 2am, and off we went! Without going into the details, it was an awesome hike. Exhausting. But amazing. Looking DOWN at mountain ranges around you is pretty crazy.

My takeaway? We are in such a giving profession. It's sometimes really good just to do something for yourself. I was able to set a goal and work toward it. I didn't have time to think about school for a bit, because I was just focused on breathing and making it to the top of that mountain! As my friend said at the end, "My body is tired, but my heart is happy." Don't be afraid to prioritize yourself once in awhile!

The IEP

 A couple of weeks ago, I found out that one of my refugee kiddos was on an IEP, and I was angry!

Let me back up a bit...this student went to school in my state for kindergarten, then moved out of state for 1st grade. He has moved back now for 2nd grade, and brought an IEP with him. With a diagnosis of a learning disability. Maybe it's just me, but 1st grade is pretty early to be labeled with a learning disability, especially for an Emerging Bilingual (English Language Learner) who did not have many opportunities to learn in any kind of formal setting before kindergarten.

Once I calmed down a little bit, I tried to put my finger on what was bugging me so much. A friend asked me, "What does this mean for him?" In truth, it means that he will probably get more help and more interventions. And have a label. It's really not the worst thing in the world.

But I think my anger was a reflection of a greater worry about the role of the education system in perpetuating stereotypes or injustices in our current society. Why is this student automatically labeled as having a disability? Reading his current IEP, have we truly explored whether his slow progress in reading is a result of a disability or the fact that he is learning English or that he has moved around quite a bit and that has disrupted his education? Does he truly have a learning disability, or is it just the easiest and most convenient thing to do to put him on an IEP?

And lest you think I am paranoid, we have statistics to back it up. Do you know that, in my state a couple of years ago (when I could find the data), students who are Black are 2.18 times more likely to be identified with an intellectual disability compared to their non-Black peers? And 2.02 time more likely to be removed from the classroom for discipline issues? That's a problem, friends. You can view these statistics and more on this sheet.

I talked to my student's current special education teacher, and she said that the team would do a full review, since our state qualifies students differently than the other state does. I shared my concerns, and tried to share that if he truly has a disability, that is fine...I never want to be one of those people who is like, "Not my kid!" I just want to make sure we are really considering all of the factors and not jumping to conclusions because he is a student of color who is behind. I felt much better after talking, and feel confident that his school will take an honest look at his strengths and challenges and data to determine what the most appropriate course of action is.

For my part, I know I will continue to speak up and advocate in little and big ways as we wrestle with everything going on in our society right now. Sometimes it is showing up at a public protest, but sometimes, it's speaking to a teacher about one student's IEP.